I often, now that I have experienced the loss of a baby, wonder how my grandmother did it? My Mom-Mom as we called her, lost a baby when he was only a few days old.
She shared some of the story with me a few times, but I will never forget the time, she shared the full detailed story with me. I was sad for her, after all her baby had died. But, I didn't understand the true loss that she must have felt. I still probably don't understand fully that loss, but I have, at least a small understanding of it.
I was thinking today, how long did it take her to move on? Did she ever move on? When she told me that story, was it still hard to say? Did she still cry over that lost baby, when she thought of him? How often did she sob? How did she even go on with life? I don't know, but she did, she lived to be 86.
Her story as I remember it.
She had the baby and I believe the doctor did not allow her to see it for long. I believe he took it away pretty quickly. She wondered if there was something wrong. I believe she told me that either the baby really didn't cry or that his cry didn't really sound right. She said that he wouldn't eat well, and they tried to get him to eat. I believe he just kept throwing up the food. I can't remember how long after the birth it was but I don't believe much more than a few days, she heard the nurses whispering outside her door. She heard them whispering, "you tell her. "No you tell her." My Mom-Mom then heard the Doctor scolding the nurses and he came into her room. He told her that her baby had died.
Her sweet baby boy, that she barely had time to enjoy, gone within days. How did she ever go on? How did she leave the hospital empty handed? How did she see the crib when she got home or the hand me down baby clothes waiting for the new baby? How did she manage?
He was a baby. He was her baby. She loved him. She dealt with the loss.
His name was James.
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