I woke up today without any pain or stiffness. I woke up feeling good enough to get right up and didn't feel groggy. For the past two days, I have been in so much pain that I could hardly stand up straight some of the time. I have been so very tired as well, barely able to wake up enough to be "with it". I coped though, I got through each day.
Today, it feels like a miracle that I woke up with barely any pain. It feels like a miracle that I am AWAKE. I don't understand why I get these "flare ups". I don't undertand why I feel good one day and the next so terrible. I have no idea what triggers the pain and fatigue. The pain never goes completely away, just gives me a break, for that I am thankful.
But through him I have strength and joy.
Numbers 14:17-18
17 “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared: 18 ‘The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Amazing!
It is amazing to me.
I had about two weeks of minimal pain. I had pain in joints, neck pain, and back pain. I have had enough pain to notice and be bothered by it, but the pain was not as bad as it had been. This morning I woke up feeling like I have bruises from shoulders to feet. My arms, wrists, fingers, back-upper and lower, legs back and front in some places, and even the soles of my feet all hurt. It is like I was in an accident last night. It amazes me!
I am not positive yet, I have not had a diagnosis--my appointments are in October, but all arrows point to Fibromyalgia or chronic lymes. Why all of a sudden did my body decide to hurt all over today? Maybe I did too much yesterday. All morning I was organizing--mostly sitting and organizing, definitley some walking around and lifting, but not an abnormal amount, just enough for a normal person to have done some light work around the house. It truly amazes me that this is the turn my life has taken. Mono, lymes, miscarriage and then a down hill turn that leads to where I am now. It is amazing!
Why in the world do I keep using the word amazing? Is it because I am dumbfounded by all that has happened over the past two years to my body? Is it because I can't believe my body would turn against me in this way? Or is it because I am amazed every day how God gets me through in spite of it all---yes that is it.
No matter what he is good. He gave me an excellent husband who understands my pain, and the ability to take one day at a time. I am amazed by his goodness, mercy, and grace he extends to me each and everyday. He can calm the storm with a word or by saying nothing at all. He is in charge of my life and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I have perfect peace through him.
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
I had about two weeks of minimal pain. I had pain in joints, neck pain, and back pain. I have had enough pain to notice and be bothered by it, but the pain was not as bad as it had been. This morning I woke up feeling like I have bruises from shoulders to feet. My arms, wrists, fingers, back-upper and lower, legs back and front in some places, and even the soles of my feet all hurt. It is like I was in an accident last night. It amazes me!
I am not positive yet, I have not had a diagnosis--my appointments are in October, but all arrows point to Fibromyalgia or chronic lymes. Why all of a sudden did my body decide to hurt all over today? Maybe I did too much yesterday. All morning I was organizing--mostly sitting and organizing, definitley some walking around and lifting, but not an abnormal amount, just enough for a normal person to have done some light work around the house. It truly amazes me that this is the turn my life has taken. Mono, lymes, miscarriage and then a down hill turn that leads to where I am now. It is amazing!
Why in the world do I keep using the word amazing? Is it because I am dumbfounded by all that has happened over the past two years to my body? Is it because I can't believe my body would turn against me in this way? Or is it because I am amazed every day how God gets me through in spite of it all---yes that is it.
No matter what he is good. He gave me an excellent husband who understands my pain, and the ability to take one day at a time. I am amazed by his goodness, mercy, and grace he extends to me each and everyday. He can calm the storm with a word or by saying nothing at all. He is in charge of my life and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I have perfect peace through him.
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again
I heard this song by Jars of Clay (Flood) today for the first time in years. It still made me turn it up and sing all loud, so loud my oldest daughter who is just genetically loud said, "mom, what, that is too loud!" Sorry. Sorry for singing my little soul out to a song that had meaning to me. A song that was dear and true to my heart so often in my life and throughout my years on earth.
It's weird to me that I have always been and still am fascinated with water. Anything that has to do with water.
Rain, I love rainy dark days.
Swimming. I have loved swimming since I was young. I learned to swim early and then found my nack as a competitive swimmer.
The ocean and I have always had a special relationship as well. Some of my best vacations were spent at the ocean. It felt so natural to me to be there, walking barefoot everywhere I went, the way the ocean air would windblow my hair into a wavy curly mess, that actually looked good.
I So when Jars of Clay came on the radio I felt like I could relate. I have felt down, blah, yuck.
Trying to think through why I am feeling so low...
My health? The fact that after the miscarriage (the worst thing that has ever happened to me) my health started to get worse.
Pain started to increase, not only in my legs, ankles, hands, wrists and arms, but my neck pain was constant and unbearable.
But not only the pain,: the fatigue. Ttired all the way to the core of my body. My whole body being heavy, so heavy and tired I felt as though I couldn't do another thing until I slept for days, and sometimes I did.
What was happening to me? I thought mono again. Then the doctor thought lymes disease and treated me for it. I had better days, then waves of bad days that lasted sometimes weeks. Unable to draw, I needed to ask for extentions on my assignments. Not just because I was so tired I could barely sit up, but because the pain was so unbearable at times I could not draw or even think.
As the pain continued to increase to months I started to wonder. Chronic lymes? Fibromyalgia? Why? Wasn't a miscarriage enough? Wasn't taking care of five kids enough? I had to add chronically in pain and chronically tired to my list?
Was it so I could understand others who have chronic pain? I know several people. One being my husband. Was it so I didn't turn into those people who say, "but he/she looks fine". Because now I understand.
But through even the low times, I can give God the glory. I can know that the two specialists that I am going to see in October are exactly who God wants me to see, whether I find answers or not. Whether he chooses to heal me or not.
I know he can be given all the glory for providing a rest for me this school year. The perfect way that financial help was given by a gracious school. The perfect way that God provided the perfect teacher for Jadah. The perfect way transportation has worked out.
God never ever ceases to amaze me as I continue to put my trust in him. I completely give the glory to him through any and all situations whether it be good or bad. The knowledge that he is in complete control and that he is my heavenly father who cares so much for me and my family is enough, come what may.
I am not perfect, sometimes I forget who is in control. My prayer is that I will remember and curl up in my heavenly fathers lap as he reminds me and takes my anxieties away.
Phillipians 4:4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
. .
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again
I heard this song by Jars of Clay (Flood) today for the first time in years. It still made me turn it up and sing all loud, so loud my oldest daughter who is just genetically loud said, "mom, what, that is too loud!" Sorry. Sorry for singing my little soul out to a song that had meaning to me. A song that was dear and true to my heart so often in my life and throughout my years on earth.
It's weird to me that I have always been and still am fascinated with water. Anything that has to do with water.
Rain, I love rainy dark days.
Swimming. I have loved swimming since I was young. I learned to swim early and then found my nack as a competitive swimmer.
The ocean and I have always had a special relationship as well. Some of my best vacations were spent at the ocean. It felt so natural to me to be there, walking barefoot everywhere I went, the way the ocean air would windblow my hair into a wavy curly mess, that actually looked good.
I So when Jars of Clay came on the radio I felt like I could relate. I have felt down, blah, yuck.
Trying to think through why I am feeling so low...
My health? The fact that after the miscarriage (the worst thing that has ever happened to me) my health started to get worse.
Pain started to increase, not only in my legs, ankles, hands, wrists and arms, but my neck pain was constant and unbearable.
But not only the pain,: the fatigue. Ttired all the way to the core of my body. My whole body being heavy, so heavy and tired I felt as though I couldn't do another thing until I slept for days, and sometimes I did.
What was happening to me? I thought mono again. Then the doctor thought lymes disease and treated me for it. I had better days, then waves of bad days that lasted sometimes weeks. Unable to draw, I needed to ask for extentions on my assignments. Not just because I was so tired I could barely sit up, but because the pain was so unbearable at times I could not draw or even think.
As the pain continued to increase to months I started to wonder. Chronic lymes? Fibromyalgia? Why? Wasn't a miscarriage enough? Wasn't taking care of five kids enough? I had to add chronically in pain and chronically tired to my list?
Was it so I could understand others who have chronic pain? I know several people. One being my husband. Was it so I didn't turn into those people who say, "but he/she looks fine". Because now I understand.
But through even the low times, I can give God the glory. I can know that the two specialists that I am going to see in October are exactly who God wants me to see, whether I find answers or not. Whether he chooses to heal me or not.
I know he can be given all the glory for providing a rest for me this school year. The perfect way that financial help was given by a gracious school. The perfect way that God provided the perfect teacher for Jadah. The perfect way transportation has worked out.
God never ever ceases to amaze me as I continue to put my trust in him. I completely give the glory to him through any and all situations whether it be good or bad. The knowledge that he is in complete control and that he is my heavenly father who cares so much for me and my family is enough, come what may.
I am not perfect, sometimes I forget who is in control. My prayer is that I will remember and curl up in my heavenly fathers lap as he reminds me and takes my anxieties away.
Phillipians 4:4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
. .
Friday, June 8, 2012
The date that would have changed my life
June 7th, yesterday, would have been our baby's due date. I spent some of that day getting a tattoo. It felt appropriate to mark the day with something to forever remember the baby by and to appreciate the five children I have. It also seemed appropriate to fill at least a 1/2 hour of that day with pain.
The tattoo was a daisy representing the baby and five butterflies representing the children I do have.
Not one tear was shed that day, but a quiet came over me after I got my tattoo. A sadness.
I was surprised that I didn't cry. I am not sure if this is good or bad.
I cried the day before when telling my mom what June 7th was. It was quick surprising cry that I couldn't hold back even if I wanted to. This is normal when I cry about this loss. I am not sure why. It has just always been this way.
Tears do come to my eyes sometimes, but being surprised by the uncontrollable sobs is not a pleasant thing.
Today is June 8th and it was just like any other day. MY life goes on.
The tattoo was a daisy representing the baby and five butterflies representing the children I do have.
Not one tear was shed that day, but a quiet came over me after I got my tattoo. A sadness.
I was surprised that I didn't cry. I am not sure if this is good or bad.
I cried the day before when telling my mom what June 7th was. It was quick surprising cry that I couldn't hold back even if I wanted to. This is normal when I cry about this loss. I am not sure why. It has just always been this way.
Tears do come to my eyes sometimes, but being surprised by the uncontrollable sobs is not a pleasant thing.
Today is June 8th and it was just like any other day. MY life goes on.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
another's blog
I thought this was an excellent blog from a father who went through a miscarriage with his wife...
http://www.npr.org/2011/08/19/139650471/after-miscarriage-missing-the-luxury-of-grieving
I can't say that Jon and I have really grieved together much and I know everyone is different. We have talked about it, but he is different, he seems to easily move on with life after a short time. Which is probably good because I tend to dwell on these types of things.
we are perfect for each other.
http://www.npr.org/2011/08/19/139650471/after-miscarriage-missing-the-luxury-of-grieving
I can't say that Jon and I have really grieved together much and I know everyone is different. We have talked about it, but he is different, he seems to easily move on with life after a short time. Which is probably good because I tend to dwell on these types of things.
we are perfect for each other.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Stupid Holidays
Why is it that the Holidays are so much harder? The only thing I can think of is that it was a time in my mind, when I first found out I was pregnant, that I looked to.
I remember thinking, I am going to wait until Thanksgiving to tell my family.
Oh, by Christmas I will be 16 weeks.
Probably almost past my morning sickness.
Showing.
I will be wearing maternity clothes for Christmas.
Gee, what will I wear?
These are the type of thoughts I had. So now that it is near Christmas this is a reminder to me of what will not be. What I thought this time of year will be like, but is not. I still am enjoying the time with my children and Jon, but there is a sadness that kind of has been sticking with me more for the past few days. I can only say that this must be why. I would be feeling him move by now. But, I do not. He is not there. This reminder brings on the emptiness that I literally feel inside.
I wish I had my baby.
I wish I was wearing maternity clothes.
I wish I could touch a bulging belly.
I wish I could feel his tiny movements.
I wish I could refer to him as the baby when talking to people about how my pregnancy is going.
I wish I had gained weight for a reason.
I wish my baby were here.
I remember thinking, I am going to wait until Thanksgiving to tell my family.
Oh, by Christmas I will be 16 weeks.
Probably almost past my morning sickness.
Showing.
I will be wearing maternity clothes for Christmas.
Gee, what will I wear?
These are the type of thoughts I had. So now that it is near Christmas this is a reminder to me of what will not be. What I thought this time of year will be like, but is not. I still am enjoying the time with my children and Jon, but there is a sadness that kind of has been sticking with me more for the past few days. I can only say that this must be why. I would be feeling him move by now. But, I do not. He is not there. This reminder brings on the emptiness that I literally feel inside.
I wish I had my baby.
I wish I was wearing maternity clothes.
I wish I could touch a bulging belly.
I wish I could feel his tiny movements.
I wish I could refer to him as the baby when talking to people about how my pregnancy is going.
I wish I had gained weight for a reason.
I wish my baby were here.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The first meeting
The place was beyond words to describe it. Beyond beautiful. When she walked in and saw the people, the light, the beauty of it all she was absolutely amazed. She was in awe, joy overfilled her and she knew where she was. Some place that she had longed for all of her life. She was where she knew she would be happiest. Free from pain, worry, sin and suffering. She longed for it so much and finally she was here.
She remembered the people she had left, but she did not feel sad. She knew that it would be alright and they would be taken care of, she knew she would see them soon. She walked in further and saw others, she was welcomed by all and she heard the beautiful singing. She started to join in with the chorus as joy overtook her again.
As she was singing and looking around someone came up to her. They welcomed her and placed something into her arms. Even as she saw what was placed in her arms, she couldn't believe it to be true.
Could it be?
Is this really?
She looked up at the beautiful figure standing before her smiling.
The figure nodded affirming what she thought.
It was him!
She looked down at the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. With light strawberry blond hair and the red rosiest cheeks upon the whitest skin. Full red lips and the biggest blue eyes. The most perfect baby she had ever laid eyes on. He didn't cry, but only cooed, smiled and laughed. His eyes were lit with joy like she had never seen before. He was happy, healthy and beautiful. Her baby was finally in her arms. He was not sick, he was not cold or have a bluish tint. He was not limp or crying, or in pain. He was perfect, and wonderful and joyful. Her baby. What could be better than this?
While talking to her baby and enjoying the moment, she felt a presence she knew well. She could feel his light, his love, his glory. He is the only person she would take her eyes off of her baby for. She looked up...
She remembered the people she had left, but she did not feel sad. She knew that it would be alright and they would be taken care of, she knew she would see them soon. She walked in further and saw others, she was welcomed by all and she heard the beautiful singing. She started to join in with the chorus as joy overtook her again.
As she was singing and looking around someone came up to her. They welcomed her and placed something into her arms. Even as she saw what was placed in her arms, she couldn't believe it to be true.
Could it be?
Is this really?
She looked up at the beautiful figure standing before her smiling.
The figure nodded affirming what she thought.
It was him!
She looked down at the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. With light strawberry blond hair and the red rosiest cheeks upon the whitest skin. Full red lips and the biggest blue eyes. The most perfect baby she had ever laid eyes on. He didn't cry, but only cooed, smiled and laughed. His eyes were lit with joy like she had never seen before. He was happy, healthy and beautiful. Her baby was finally in her arms. He was not sick, he was not cold or have a bluish tint. He was not limp or crying, or in pain. He was perfect, and wonderful and joyful. Her baby. What could be better than this?
While talking to her baby and enjoying the moment, she felt a presence she knew well. She could feel his light, his love, his glory. He is the only person she would take her eyes off of her baby for. She looked up...
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