But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

I heard this song by Jars of Clay (Flood) today for the first time in years.  It still made me turn it up and sing all loud, so loud my oldest  daughter who is just genetically loud said, "mom, what, that is too loud!"  Sorry.  Sorry for singing my little soul out to a song that had meaning to me. A song that was dear and true to my heart so often in my life and throughout my years on earth. 

It's weird to me that I have always been and still am fascinated with water. Anything that has to do with water. 

Rain, I love rainy dark days.

Swimming.  I have loved swimming since I was young. I learned to swim early and then found my nack as a competitive swimmer.

The ocean and I have always had a special relationship as well. Some of my best vacations were spent at the ocean. It felt so natural to me to be there, walking barefoot everywhere I went, the way the ocean air would windblow my hair into a wavy curly mess, that actually looked good.

I So when Jars of Clay came on the radio I felt like I could relate.  I have felt down, blah, yuck.

Trying to think through why I am feeling so low...

My health? The fact that after the miscarriage (the worst thing that has ever happened to me) my health started to get worse.
Pain started to increase, not only in my legs, ankles, hands, wrists and arms, but my neck pain was constant and unbearable.
But not only the pain,: the fatigue. Ttired all the way to the core of my body.  My whole body being heavy, so heavy and tired I felt as though I couldn't do another thing until I slept for days, and sometimes I did.

What was happening to me? I thought mono again.  Then the doctor thought lymes disease and treated me for it.  I had better days, then waves of bad days that lasted sometimes weeks.  Unable to draw, I needed to ask for extentions on my assignments.  Not just because I was so tired I could barely sit up, but because the pain was so unbearable at times I could not draw or even think.

As the pain continued to increase to months I started to wonder. Chronic lymes? Fibromyalgia?  Why? Wasn't a miscarriage enough?  Wasn't taking care of five kids enough?  I had to add chronically in pain and chronically tired to my list?

Was it so I could understand others who have chronic pain? I know several people. One being my husband.  Was it so I didn't turn into those people who say, "but he/she looks fine".  Because now I understand. 

But through even the low times, I can give God the glory.  I can know that the two specialists that I am going to see in October are exactly who God wants me to see, whether I find answers or not.  Whether he chooses to heal me or not. 

I know he can be given all the glory for providing a rest for me this school year.  The perfect way that financial help was given by a gracious school.  The perfect way that God provided the perfect teacher for Jadah. The perfect way transportation has worked out. 

God never ever ceases to amaze me as I continue to put my trust in him.  I completely give the glory to him through any and all situations whether it be good or bad.  The knowledge that he is in complete control and that he is my heavenly father who cares so much for me and my family is enough, come what may.

I am not perfect, sometimes I forget who is in control.  My prayer is that I will remember and curl up in my heavenly fathers lap as he reminds me and takes my anxieties away.

Phillipians 4:4-7
⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

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