Night Time

Again, it is night, and this is when it is at its worst.  Something about the night that makes me think of the baby I lost.  Maybe because I have been busy all day? So I didn't think about it.  But, I do find times it hits me, I am no longer pregnant, no baby, but I don't have time to dwell.  At night it is easy to dwell. I am alone, kids are in bed, Jon is exhausted both physically and mentally (not to mention, in pain).  I used to make Jon stay up with me, although I knew he wanted to sleep-because this, I am pretty sure, is how he heals.  But, I'd make him stay up because the night was so hard. I was scared to cry alone, to keep the thoughts to myself. I made him stay up, watch a movie until I fell asleep, talk until I was tired, tired enough to not think.  I remember often over the last few weeks saying to myself, "Don't think, don't think, just sleep."  I didn't want to let my mind go too far.  But now, now I have been alone, letting Jon sleep because everything has caught up with him.  So I am alone, with my thoughts and this is hard.